A little scrolling helped me

I went from websites to blogs trying to understand why I was having so many emotions in one, why I couldn’t just bring myself to accept that the beginning can never be perfect.

I was trying so hard to understand the different ways, the different ideas, the different opinions of everyone out there going through what I was going through, feeling all I was feeling. Anyone trying to understand if they are doing it right as they choose to begin.

A new phase is all the time scary. A new decision is almost like intentionally going into the. middle of the sea to test if you can make a path. I do not like making new decisions but as we grow, we always have to make some. You see, if you decide to stick to your first decisions, you’re literally buying an adhesive, pouring it all over your feet and gluing it to your perfect spot.

Now here’s the funny part.

Making that decision is not the scariest part. Oh yes, it is not. Sticking to your decisions and trusting yourself in the process of that decision is really the crazy part. You have yourself in between almost regrets and near delirium. You question everything you do each and every moment even when it doesn’t relate to that big decision.

I decided to focus on what comes naturally for me, the only skill that flows through me; writing. I made this decision all thanks to an acquaintance. We spoke on very few occasions but to my surprise, he was very observant and he knew some nice things about me even better than I thought I knew about myself.

This very day, I was going through my low lows and I decided to hit him up just to find out what he thinks. I was on a very confusing path and I needed some kind of speech or at least, an experience in my direction. I just wanted someone to tell me, “I get it” not just by their comforting words but by their sincerity and their experiences.

I had a direction block. I have the dream. I have the vision. The most hilarious check and balance. Of course, I was still confused. I still wanted to run after. an encounter with every roadblock. I still didn’t believe in myself, not exactly. I needed a “PUSH” even when the push was me. I needed to be perfect to get started. We got talking, he said some really, maybe-not-really comforting but super relaxing things and I tell ya, that really did it.

At that moment, I realized that when you’re positioned to receive the right words, when you are ready, not just the words would make sense, you’d automatically understand the next thing to do. Your energy will skyrocket and presumably, everything will fall in place for you to do it right.

“But that wasn’t enough, was it?.”

I still had doubts. I still needed to be absolutely sure someone was listening to what I had to say. I needed more words to type. I got on the internet to find ways to be better. I began the endless search of what I needed to do to get it right. Oh boy, did I do the wrong thing.

Every article felt like a pin in my cushion. A harder blow to shatter my overblown nose. It felt like even my “always write something everyday” wasn’t sufficient. Usually, I’m an overthinker (trust me, I owe you an article for this) but overthinking + anxiety = real torture to the mind.

The vague awareness of my need to continue peeping through the different minds of potential wannabes made mine complete inconsequential.

I continued to search for anyone with like minds to at least resolve within me that I wasn’t completely alone in this. I found her. Or at least her past.

Her articles were tailored to her life experiences. Exactly the ‘yes’ I was looking for. The ‘go ahead’, ‘don’t write something else to impress’, the ‘filter what you read, don’t let it affect but help your progress’ I needed to hear. She wasn’t perfect, she was completely herself but it was everything necessary.

That charge is needed in all our lives. The subject of our propellant could have relatively no significance but it could be all that mattered. You don’t have to believe in something huge. It could be something almost non-existent. If it fills you up, it does the job. Keep scrolling.